Visit Trip Day #4 and Saying Goodbye For Now

***THIS POST HAS A SERIOUS CRY ALERT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!***

I promised myself that I would enjoy the last day and try not to think about leaving them . . . but man, that is hard to do. What made it most difficult was that I did not know if they knew that it was the last day -- in fact, I had no idea what they thought was going on at all! At breakfast, I tried to talk to Gerson about it. I told him that he and Elviz were going to go to the hogar, and I told him that Mami and Papi were going to go on an airplane. Obviously, this is just what I *think* I said, so I have no idea if he understood me or not!

Acting like rascals at breakfast --

Yes, by Thursday, they both knew the word "rascal" ;)

We had Hugo (a most excellent driver/translator/helper -- I can give you his info if you need him) bring McDonald's for lunch, and he also talked to the boys and explained to them what was going on. Gerson just shook his head "yes", he didn't ask any questions, and he would not respond to Hugo's questions. . . but he was not upset or anything like that. We had lunch and played, and then the boys took a nap.

So why did we have McDonald's for lunch?? Well, the boys went ballistic over the McD's commercial all week b/c of the toys. They would yell "un moto" at the top of their lungs, and point. . . so, we got some McD's hoping for the motos!!! Yes, they got them and loved them!!! Gerson loved to take pics on the camera . . . when I checked the camera yesterday, I found about 6 or 7 pics of un moto, from all angles -- silly boy :)

My last nap picture --

I woke the boys up and thought that we had about 1.5 hrs left -- but, they showed up an hour early to take us back to the hogar. I think I held my breathe the entire car ride . . . and when we got there, it was a whirlwind. We all got separated. Gerson's friends swarmed him and took him into a corner. Children were running to me, talking to me, and begging for hugs. Sweet Sara took Elviz from my arms and kissed his face all over. Then she carried him to the opposite corner. Michael was trying to take pictures of the other children for our friends. Within a few minutes, we were told that we had to leave.

I rushed back to Gerson, and gave him a long hug and kisses. I told him that we loved him, not to worry, and not to be afraid. . . but I choked and could not remember how to say that we would be back. Of all the phrases, it was the one I needed the most, and I did not know it :( His eyes welled up with tears, but he did not cry. He just shook his head "yes" and looked at me with sad eyes. He did not say a word. Again, I was told, "We really must go now."I went to say goodbye to Elviz, but I was blocked. Sweet Sara picked him up and reached him to me over the other children that were sitting in the floor looking at his new toys. I hugged him, kissed him, and told him that we loved him. He, also, just looked at me with sad eyes.

And that is how we said goodbye for now. . . To visit your child and to leave them is a heartache that is not quite like anything else. I had felt it before with Brayden, but somehow I forgot. Before you meet them, you can love them with a guarded heart, almost in a disconnected way. But once you have held them, all of your defenses are gone and there is no more disconnect. There is no more protection for your heart, and it is no longer fantasy. Your love materializes into something real and something true. . . now, you love them all the way. . . and you have to leave. It is more painful than I could ever describe, but it is so worth it. Temporary pain is traded for forever memories, and I am more than willing to have my heart broken for the chance to hold these children even for a minute. And the hardest part is that I cannot tell them that.